I decided to write something out of my thoughts, wanting it to reflect what I’m feeling at the moment. A kind of memory for me to keep reminiscing when the time comes that I no longer think about you. I miss you. The late night talks and the kind of person you are to me when everything was still pure. I miss the bond and friendship I have built with such strong willed at the same time weak heart. How are you? Is the past still haunting like old myth ghost? I want to listen. I want to lay with you again on the road making the stars our blanket. The stars, they’re the only witness to our crazy moments. I bet you no longer remember that night but it’s still so clear to me how wrecked I was that time and you were there to comfort and listen. I can still remember how drama you were and I too listened. We were beautifully damaged but it did go well because we were there for each other. I miss the old us..the kind of friendship I have found in you when again everything was still so innocent.
Someone very close to my heart asked her mom one night, what is the essence of LIFE in which her mom answered- SACRIFICE. Is it really? I asked myself the same hoping I could extract a coherent answer from my brain. Somehow, it is. Everyone has their own perspective of what the real essence of life is. In my attempt to write something, there are a lot of thoughts warping inside my head (as always) and I’m not even sure how to condense this broad topic into simple sentences and simple paragraphs in order for the readers to understand without exposing too many points.
It’s the nuanced complexities between life and death. We may often hear the phrases “LIFE IS UNFAIR”, “Life is short”, “live every moment like it’s your last” and “take life easy as no one goes out of it alive”- that and a lot more but, what is our basis of what’s just and what isn’t.
“NO ONE GOES OUT OF IT ALIVE”
It echoed in my mind. Sent chills to my spine.
When we speak of death, it is inherently connected to religion. Most of us believed that “something” is waiting for us after we die; a God or someone powerful beyond human limits is waiting for us. That gives us enough reason then, to consult religious texts to find information about it. Where do we seek? I say, Bible.
Few weeks ago when I had my bible study, I precisely asked the minister if he could teach me what death is in accordance to the Bible which he willingly agreed to discuss. I had gazillion of thoughts about life after death and such especially I grew up in a family where Bible isn’t part of daily living (don’t get me wrong, my family is religious but not the type that consults the sacred texts every waking hour of every day). Even if I already had an idea if there’s life after death, I still want him to discuss the topic, maybe to reassure myself that what I know is what is really written in the Bible.
A friend asked me one night when we had a vigil in my cousin’s wake, we were standing next to his coffin when she asked “What happens after death? Is there life after we die? I had so many thoughts and questions about it” Not sure if those were the exact words but the thought of her question was ‘what happens after we die?’ and I told her, well, nothing. The nothingness will coaxed one’s entire being. It feels like sleeping. In the Bible, death is associated to being asleep until the second coming. Your thoughts will be gone and so as you. What does the Bible say about death?
“For the living know that they will die,
but the dead know nothing;
they have no further reward,
and even their name is forgotten.
6 Their love, their hate
and their jealousy have long since vanished;
never again will they have a part
in anything that happens under the sun.”
So when a person dies, he can no longer know anything. Is it right to say that they are just out there somewhere waiting and watching over us? What happens to your soul then? If there’s life after death, say our souls remain while our bodies decay then we would have immortality. Does Bible support our claim? Many people believe that our souls go on living even after we die. In the story of “The Creation of Man”
“7 Then the Lord God formed a man[a] from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.”
God formed first the body from the dust of the ground, breathed into his nostrils the “breath of life” and the man became the living soul, a living being. When a person dies, the opposite things happen. The breath of life departs from the body, the body will return to dust and the soul will cease to exist.
“7 Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it.”
On the second coming or the Judgment Day, God will reunite the body and its life giving spirit for resurrection of those worthy to be placed in paradise with Him.
That sounds like more reasonable doesn’t it? Human as we are, we tend to find answers in every question. Our mind constantly seeks a better way of concluding anything. That very last aspect left in Pandora’s Box gives us this kind of thinking. We are so fond of sad and tragic love stories that some of us would think that maybe in another life, that love that didn’t happen on this realm and in this timeline would eventually get its conclusion later on. People kept on thinking that they can somehow correct their mistakes or eventually make something right in the next life or maybe in life after death. The chance that wasn’t given now has a purpose of making them better for their next lives. I’d like to believe that too but life doesn’t work that way. You have to LIVE your LIFE, NOW! Live the life following God’s path, spread His words and follow His commands.
I’ve now come to the conclusion that for me, the real essence of life is ‘LIFE’ itself. The way you live your life is its intrinsic meaning. In the final days, will you be able to face yourself and say “Job well done”? “That was great! You were great”? What I’m trying to say here is that, your beliefs and ideas chiefly belongs to you. Your take and your understanding towards life and death depend on what you want to believe in. What you believe will determine how you will live your life.
Death and its being according to the word of God solely based from Scriptures. That’s what the Bible says…unless you want to believe otherwise.
Every time I feel something I couldn’t describe, the question “why?” always pops my head. Why do I have to feel something like this? To think, you are only 0.009% reality. I don’t know your whole being and background, haven’t seen you yet or even heard your voice. But why? Why do I always feel something that drags me down? I get lost because of you, I became estrange with my own self. So to stop this insanity I decided not to speak with you for how many months. That was the only way I could get out of your image but, every where I go, the Universe has its way of reminding me that I left something behind. I always see your name wherever I go. Kinda freaks me out actually. I am not good at keeping promises to myself so I broke my own when I started speaking with you again. It was okay but I know something has changed. All I got from you was, you missed this girl from Russia. Boy, I can totally erase you in my life and pretend that you haven’t existed at all. I can do it, but I don’t want to. Why? I don’t know the answers. Part of me wants to be with you someday no matter how hard or impossible it is. Part of me wants to see you even from afar no matter how long I have to wait. Part of me is hoping you will love me back even just for a while. I want to know you more. I want to know who you are, not at this generation. Have you contributed to my past life? Who are you in my future, or are you even a part of it? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers to these questions right now. All I can do is to live “at the moment” and make the most out of my life. I just don’t know what else to say. Sigh. I just want to be happy.
I thought of you every single hour of every day. You are always here, in my mind and in my heart. Even if I choose to ignore the feelings, I know deep inside me that it won’t go away that easy. I trust our stars. I’ve seen our patterns and I believe them. Someday, when everything is okay, we will cross our roads again, in the most unexpected way like the first time we met. I’ll keep on loving you ’til then. I trust the universe and I believe what is already written. You will always and forever be my Gemini.
It’s my birthday today and while I celebrate my 24 years of existence, I feel like singing my heart out! This year is full of ups and downs and during those terrible times, HE proved that he’s just there to lift me up. This year is not only a celebration of my natal day but also a celebration of the goodness of the Lord.
Before anything else, I want to thank Him for everything. When I have no one to talk to he always listens. He is my comfort and my armor. He is the LIFE inside me. Thank you Lord God for gracing me and blessing me with such beautiful life.
To my family who can’t afford an expensive food in some fancy resto. That’s okay! As long as you’re here beside me and that we’re here together, it’s enough. Seeing all your smiles and hearing your laughter makes my day more bright. You are all I need. My comfort zone.
To my friends who loves me so much. My goodness, what have I done in my previous life to deserve such great friends? There are only a few (few really?) I’m not sure, I’ve got friends all over the globe who loves me so much. I can’t believe that love like yours existed. Thank you for the love. Thank you for the friendship and bond that I can keep forever.
And I just want to share something. This is the most beautiful birthday message I received from someone I dearly love and this letter is too pretty not to share. I’m lucky enough to have a family like her. Love you forever my favorite cousin, my twin sister, my best friend, my counselor and everything ♥
Thank you everyone!
I’m reminded of my mission. To heal broken hearts. That’s what light workers do. At first, I don’t understand why people would come up and talk to me about their love lives. I never had any relationship before so if there’s one last person you can speak with regarding heart problems, that would be me. Still, they come to me and talk. I listen and eventually give logical love advice. How did I do it? I’m not sure, maybe because I see the picture clearly because I’m not part of it. I don’t feel what they feel and that gives me the power to think. I find it fulfilling seeing someone crying in front of me while I’m giving them warm hugs because that helps them express and vent out what they feel inside. I find it fulfilling when someone shares their story to me, I know I can be trusted. I find it fulfilling seeing someone happy after they have recovered. Who wouldn’t want genuine happiness, right?
When they’re okay and find another things to do, they just sort of forget that I existed. Like them, I have my own heart problems too. I gave my heart to someone but he handed it back to me or no, more like he refused accepting it. It’s horrible and sadder than an actual break up. The unrequited love. I’ve seen a lot of movies, read various books, listen to my colleague’s stories and by observing, it doesn’t sound so happy at all. Who am I kidding? I know it myself. I also have my own dose of it. It took me a lot of self convincing and mental practice but at the end of the day, it’s useless. It pains me so much. Do I deserve this? What have I done wrong in the past? You ask a lot of questions without getting an answer and that makes you feel insane. Literally. Everyday I always remind myself that its never gonna work, whatever I feel for this person is pointless and pathetic. The distance between me and him is only the physical aspect, timing can be sort with time however his feelings… that’s the thing I can never change. I can’t tell him to look at me the way he looks at his past lovers. I can’t make him love me. Even if all I have are these preconceived notions of love, I know I understand it, I get it and I’m capable of it but why is it that no one will give it to me? Then a thought came in, this one sided love doesn’t seem so sad at all. People would think that if you love someone and that person doesn’t love you back it’s the end of it but NO, that is not the case.
If there is one thing I’ve learned about this what they call “unrequited love” it is that this kind of love is the most powerful love of all. You love without getting something in return, without asking for that person to feel the same way as you do towards them. Love is the twin sister of pain and that’s given. It’s a risk.
Going back to the first part of this post, maybe you are just my mission in life and I guess my job is already done. You drifting away might be a sign that I’m done. You are my favorite assignment and I thank the Lord that even if I get shot by my own arrow, He made me realize so many things. Beautiful and wonderful things I know will help me grow. I woke up realizing that all I ever want is your happiness, even if it’s not with me. I was so selfish before because I only want you for myself. This is me finally saying I’m letting it all go. I choose to love you in silence and from afar until time takes away what’s left of this shattered heart. This is my brave self trying to forget something that never happened, the “what could have been” and “us” in my mind. I don’t want to cause you anything, you deserve all the goodness in the world. You have been part of me and that is something time can’t take away. Maybe you are not for me to keep so allow me, allow me to cut the string and let it all fly…