#unrequited

I just don’t understand why I always cry when I think of you. It’s been 3 days now and God knows how I dislike the feeling. Does it have something to do with me being so assumptive on things? Or maybe because I am so desperate of wanting to have someone in my life that would love me unconditionally? My eyes sees something in you, my heart seconded the motion. I have feelings for you, feelings I don’t want to label because I’m not sure yet if this is real or not. How can someone fall for a person they haven’t meet yet? Someone who you just talked for hours online? I know you are virtual and your life back there involves more of her (the one who left). What we have is not part of your reality. Maybe. It’s just so unfair that you are part of mine. You’re part of my dreams and plans. I’m just over thinking right? Why do you tell me I am important to you? Why do you want to keep me close for a long time? Is it because you’re bored and got no one else to talk to? That thought hurts. I know I told you about my feeling that maybe you are making me as your temporary bandage. You might not admit it but it appears to be like that and that hurts me even more. I can still remember the message you sent me 2 months ago (which I still have on my notepad) you said you are willing to drive 12 hours just to see her.. you are willing to DIE for her. Wow! I don’t know what else to say but she’s one hell of a lucky girl. I want to think that I am the one for you but how can I beat her? How can I beat your love for her? She’s your past and in your mind she’s your present and future. I’m just one lonely girl 12 hrs away from you. Sometimes I imagined that I am the real Kathy from the future, just like the real person or cyborg from the movie I told you. I’m the real Kathy and I am from the future…but then again, you don’t see it as such. While recalling that, I don’t want little sadness to come off my eyes but she just did and it felt hot on my cheeks. It squeezes my heart and I can hardly breath. These are only some of the things I don’t want you to know because you won’t care anyway. I am forever be a nobody to you cause if I matter, you would remember some of the things about me. You forget a lot of things about my identity. Can you tell me how to forget you? Can you show me how to forget my feelings for you? I just don’t know how, these are all new to me and it’s driving me insane. If I could just show you everything. If only I could say these all to you…

PS: Thank you online journal for listening to this crap and shit. Til again. xoxo

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