Spoken Poetry

Just posting my entry. People who knows me doesn’t know this blog exist so yeah I’m free as a bird.
“Bes, akala ko wala lang yung tanong mo
Tinanong mo ako kung may gusto rin ako sayo
Sabi ko ng pabiro, malakas na oo
Natigilan ka, huminto ang mundo
Bale wala lang sakin kasi akala ko gets mo na wala
Pero sa araw-araw mo na pangugulit
Sinabi ko na lang na oo meron  nga
May nararamdaman din ako ng paulit-ulit
Hanggang isang araw nagkaaminan
Hindi ko alam kung seryoso ka sa’yong nararamdaman
Sabi mo sa’kin mas nauna kang mahalin ako
Tinago mo lang kasi magkaibigan tayo
Dun ko napagtanto na posible pala
Posibleng may magkagusto rin sa’kin at ikaw pa
Ikaw pa na naging nakaraan ng kaibigan ko
Tama ba ang nararamdaman nating ito?
Pero alam ko sa puso ko
Mahal mo pa siya at hindi mo yun maitatago
Saksi ako sa bawat luha
Saksi ako sa bawat saya
Gusto kong sabihin na wala na
wala na ang pag-ibig na datiy kumain sa aking kaluluwa
kaluluwa na sayo lamang umaasa
umaasa na sana maging tayo na
umaasa na sana makalimutan mo na siya
Pero hindi, kasi hindi mo magawa
magawang ibigin ako dahil mahal mo pa siya
Siya na naging mundo mo sa mahabang panahon
Panahon na naging masaklap, hindi kayo pinagkataon
Ayoko umasa dahil alam ko na wala talaga
Ayoko mag isip kasi alam ko sa utak mo hindi ako kailanman sumagip
Ayoko magsalita dahil bawat alpabetang binibigkas, tinatapos mo palagi sa isang walang kwentang wakas
Isang araw dumating ang panahon
Kasabay ng paghampas ng maraming alon
Masasabi ko kaya na mahal kita?
O mananatili na lang itong isang tula
Kaya ko pa bang aminin dumating man ang pagkakataon?
O sa isip at puso ko itoy mananatiling nakabaon?”
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#unrequited

I just don’t understand why I always cry when I think of you. It’s been 3 days now and God knows how I dislike the feeling. Does it have something to do with me being so assumptive on things? Or maybe because I am so desperate of wanting to have someone in my life that would love me unconditionally? My eyes sees something in you, my heart seconded the motion. I have feelings for you, feelings I don’t want to label because I’m not sure yet if this is real or not. How can someone fall for a person they haven’t meet yet? Someone who you just talked for hours online? I know you are virtual and your life back there involves more of her (the one who left). What we have is not part of your reality. Maybe. It’s just so unfair that you are part of mine. You’re part of my dreams and plans. I’m just over thinking right? Why do you tell me I am important to you? Why do you want to keep me close for a long time? Is it because you’re bored and got no one else to talk to? That thought hurts. I know I told you about my feeling that maybe you are making me as your temporary bandage. You might not admit it but it appears to be like that and that hurts me even more. I can still remember the message you sent me 2 months ago (which I still have on my notepad) you said you are willing to drive 12 hours just to see her.. you are willing to DIE for her. Wow! I don’t know what else to say but she’s one hell of a lucky girl. I want to think that I am the one for you but how can I beat her? How can I beat your love for her? She’s your past and in your mind she’s your present and future. I’m just one lonely girl 12 hrs away from you. Sometimes I imagined that I am the real Kathy from the future, just like the real person or cyborg from the movie I told you. I’m the real Kathy and I am from the future…but then again, you don’t see it as such. While recalling that, I don’t want little sadness to come off my eyes but she just did and it felt hot on my cheeks. It squeezes my heart and I can hardly breath. These are only some of the things I don’t want you to know because you won’t care anyway. I am forever be a nobody to you cause if I matter, you would remember some of the things about me. You forget a lot of things about my identity. Can you tell me how to forget you? Can you show me how to forget my feelings for you? I just don’t know how, these are all new to me and it’s driving me insane. If I could just show you everything. If only I could say these all to you…

PS: Thank you online journal for listening to this crap and shit. Til again. xoxo

Shut

This is the story of a girl whom she thought that all she believed in before was slowly becoming unreal. She glanced at the calendar and saw July 10, 2015. It’s been 2 years and few months since it happened and for her it was only a memory of pain and sorrow that she’s longing to forget. She was on her way of opening to the world again, time by time she was gaining confidence. It was sedate but sure. She entertained, meet new friends and slowly she allowed people to take a view through an empty space of her heart. Almost all of them filled it with new memories. Good ones.

Just as when she was about to go outside her shell, it was a matter of split seconds when someone, did the same thing to her. You couldn’t draw the horror in her face, but she remained calm and steady. She told herself she’s been there before and now she can handle it without going back to her comfort zone. Without going back to where she used to stay.

It’s like a snap and history repeats itself. She couldn’t imagine it was that easy. She tried so hard to remain strong, but that was all in her mind. The courage is all inside her head. Somehow her heart is still vulnerable. It needs its shell back. It needs its lock again. She will hide. She will go back to that same thought she believed in. For how long? She can’t tell.

“My heart needs its carapace again”

Thanks JJ.