PS: Thank you online journal for listening to this crap and shit. Til again. xoxo
I choose to..
…let go, not because I no longer care but I know you don’t and never will
…remove all the assumptions in my head because it won’t get me anywhere
…forget the dreams about you because I know it will never come true
…ignore the scream of this tiny muscle near my rib cage because I know yours won’t shout my name
…MOVE ON because that’s the smartest thing to do
I can only hope for that someday. I’m not sure if trusting it’ll come would help.
Like the song “Tomorrow” by Avril Lavigne, I wanna believe you that everything will be okay but not today… I hope tomorrow. For the past few days, I tried to forget everything about you. It’s not that I cared less but because I am falling deeper and deeper each day. I get infected by something I’m not sure what to call. This feeling is new to me, it’s so strange I can’t even understand my own mind and heart. Maybe I am overthinking but honestly, all I want to do is to see you personally. I hate this little production in my head playing scenarios that one day there’s you and me walking down the streets of somewhere eating ice cream on a hot day, drinking coffee talking about random stuff or just plainly sitting next to each other holding hands while watching the stars and moon. I want to get rid of the feeling and if I do that I know I should not talk to you but at the same time I can’t let you go. I can’t. I don’t want to. I am overthinking… I know that. I cried and it was the most satisfying cry I had for how many days. I imagined you and her back together, I was at the corner smiling because I’m seeing you happy even if it pains me inside. Will that day come? I’m not sure if I can take the pain if that happens. You have no idea how much I keep myself busy just to get rid of you in my head. All I ever want is to forget that I have feelings for you. Wanna know why? Because I know you will never reciprocate. I’m tired of thinking about what ifs and maybe. I’m even too tired writing about this post coz I know it’s the same story over and over.
I believe there’s no way you will forget her. I know deep inside that feeling will not fade because you have high hopes that someday your roads will cross and by that time, all the images in your head will become real. Your dreams will come true under her arms. The kind of family you wanted, the kind of wife you want to have is her. I know that. I feel sorry for myself coz if that time comes, I’m not given the chance by fate to show you how much you mean to me. This project I’m working on is called Nirvana and it involves you. More of you. I can only hope that there’s a chance for me to prove myself to you. That I am worth it to love. I hope time will grant me that. I hope you can wait for me until I get there. But since you have no idea about this thought I guess I will move on. I will not assume that you also have something for me coz I know you don’t. I feel so much pain right now but I will be okay. I know it’ll be okay.
I get it… she was your ex, you love her, she meant so much and blah blaahh. The thing is, you are not compatible with each other and no matter how much you try, the stars are against you guys. How I wish I can send you this article from the book I read before. Astrology has the answer why it didn’t work out between the two of you. How I wish I can tell you directly that I AM perfect for you. You may not know it today but I know, I know someday you’ll realize. So instead of sending you the article, I’m just gonna post it here in my sanctuary.
Gemini and Taurus love compatibility
An unpromising match, though at the beginning Taurus responds to Gemini’s sparkle and Gemini is intrigued by Taurus’s uncomplicated directness. The Gemini’s representatives are usually double-faced ,changeable people. The Taurus’ representatives are tend to a constancy. Taurus is attracted by an artistry and riches of imagination of the Gemini. However The Gemini are irritated by the Taurus’ slow reaction. Taurus with the innate need to possess will never be able to hang on to the unsettled Gemini. Gemini loves change and Taurus resists it. Their sex life is gradually affected by the Gemini moods which are very changeable. Gemini behaves as the playful, mischievous little kid one minute and the next minute he/she will turn basic and animalistic in his/her sexual appetites. The typical Taurus reaction to this action will probably drive him/her into someone else’s bed. This is a tasteless connection and there are not the best prospect for a marriage.
Gemini and Leo love compatibility
An affectionate pair who really enjoy each other. While Leo loves with his/her heart first, Gemini loves with his/her mind. Gemini seem to be romantic enough for Leo. The Gemini’s stability will not be fluctuated by the moody Leo. Leo’s self-confidence blinks at Gemini’s flirtations with others. Gemini’s penchant for ridicule can annoy regal Leo, though, and Leo will probably demand more adoration than Gemini is willing to give. It can be a problem but they have so much fun together that don’t tend to pay attention to such small problems. Both Leo and Gemini have strong desire to have a passionate, emotional life. Sexually, Leo loves whole-heartily and Geminis variable desires are a complete mystery to him/her. Leo is quite capable of warm-heartily breaking down any resentments that Gemini may harbor from the daytime thereby easing the tension in the bedroom. It will be an acceptable connection and, surely, safe marriage in the future.
You see my point?
“Don’t say you love me unless forever
Don’t tell me you need me, if you’re not gonna stay
Don’t give me this feeling, I’ll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away”
I was on my way to the airport last night when I heard the song “Don’t say you love me” by The Corrs and while I was listening… it hit me. The song filled the 4 chambers of my heart with so many emotions I couldn’t understand but what dominated most was longing or pain, well there’s a very thin line between the two. I’m really confused with what I’m feeling at that moment. No. I’m confused with what I’m feeling right now. My feelings for him and the status of my future self makes me feel so afraid. Heaven knows how I wanted to show him the bigger truths my heart knows but I don’t want to overwhelm him. If only I had the opportunity to take care of him and love him like no one else mattered but just him I would. I want to take care of his vulnerable heart. I want to show him the beauty of the world and the beauty of love. That it’s not just about pain and regrets and what ifs. I know I have so much to give, I am so confident with that and I don’t want to give this to any other person…only to him.
But… I can only love him from afar. And I don’t want to get inside the picture frame for I know he’s still reserving that void space for her ex. Maybe. Who knows. That thought pains me but what can I do about it? I can only love him in silence. I can only be that one friend for him. A FRIEND he wanted to keep forever.
(Sigh) I just want to be with you M.