Am I becoming too open on what I feel about you? It makes me so afraid now that you have a wide idea of what I’m thinking. I’m afraid on what myself appears to be that sometimes I wear a mask to hide the truths my heart only knows. I wanna feel like myself again, the kind of me that doesn’t mind the evolution of everything around my circle. The motion of my world has been so slow lately, I’m counting the days and ask when will that time comes when you can finally say “I don’t remember the feelings anymore for her.” I know… it’ll NEVER happen. I’m feeling like a sponge, absorbing every leak there is and it consumes me. The dream I had with you earlier was so symbolic. I like the feeling of familiarity it gives me and how it was so natural for the both of us to communicate that way in my dreams. I know it has a personal meaning but that production yesterday was really something. Yesterday, I read the personalized astrology from Adrian and it talks about premonitory dreams. Oh God, I don’t want to assume really. I’m a bit okay now, and somehow my heart is not that heavy but I know deep inside I’m still hoping.
And what the fuck did just happen Kath? Maybe this is the sign I’ve been waiting for. Should I cut off the communication? Oh I should. You better Kath! One of these days I will cut if off. Maybe. Yeah, I should do that, it’s the only way I know. I love you but I’m tired of acting like a bandage. My heart is so tired honestly. The assumptions in my head makes me insane and I know, I really know you still have her in your heart. Always. Forgive me for being sensitive.
Went karaoke last night, I feel like all the love songs were made for me. I don’t know why I’m like this, you pushed too many buttons in me I didn’t know I have. I want to feel free again because I’m like caged in the thought that maybe there will be an “us” but I know that it’s not gonna happen. Why do I feel pain? The thought of you distracts me. The thought of you in my life is what I want but all the what ifs makes it so hard. I don’t know but I feel like I met you for a reason. I mean there’s a reason behind every coincidences plus our stars! Damn our stars! You may not understand them now but… oh well I don’t want to give my heart so much hope cause I know there’s nothing to hope for. These overflowing emotions I have for you is a waste. It can never be real and I have to accept that. I’m just desperate to have someone in my life, I get that now. I don’t want to be alone. I want to love and be loved. Hmmkaaay that’s too much. I just hope that when I leave Philippines, I’ll be able to move on and find myself in a foreign land alone. I don’t want to forget you but I want to forget the feeling ‘coz it hurts so much. So much that sometimes I see myself staring at blank space, not talking to my friends or responding so late. I don’t want to feel assumptions anymore. Help me not to assume please. I can be your friend forever but I can’t do that if I have feelings for you, feelings I know you will never reciprocate. Pity party 2016! I didn’t forget what you said about not giving up so easily in general, so I know that until now you still want to fight for her. Maybe not today but in the not so distant future (insert tears and this fucking emo love song). Keep calm and breathe Kath! It will be over soon. I know somewhere in my not so distant future as well, I’ll see that one man…the right person God will give me. Who is he? He’s the only one who can heal me. Oh come here sooon.
I just don’t understand why I always cry when I think of you. It’s been 3 days now and God knows how I dislike the feeling. Does it have something to do with me being so assumptive on things? Or maybe because I am so desperate of wanting to have someone in my life that would love me unconditionally? My eyes sees something in you, my heart seconded the motion. I have feelings for you, feelings I don’t want to label because I’m not sure yet if this is real or not. How can someone fall for a person they haven’t meet yet? Someone who you just talked for hours online? I know you are virtual and your life back there involves more of her (the one who left). What we have is not part of your reality. Maybe. It’s just so unfair that you are part of mine. You’re part of my dreams and plans. I’m just over thinking right? Why do you tell me I am important to you? Why do you want to keep me close for a long time? Is it because you’re bored and got no one else to talk to? That thought hurts. I know I told you about my feeling that maybe you are making me as your temporary bandage. You might not admit it but it appears to be like that and that hurts me even more. I can still remember the message you sent me 2 months ago (which I still have on my notepad) you said you are willing to drive 12 hours just to see her.. you are willing to DIE for her. Wow! I don’t know what else to say but she’s one hell of a lucky girl. I want to think that I am the one for you but how can I beat her? How can I beat your love for her? She’s your past and in your mind she’s your present and future. I’m just one lonely girl 12 hrs away from you. Sometimes I imagined that I am the real Kathy from the future, just like the real person or cyborg from the movie I told you. I’m the real Kathy and I am from the future…but then again, you don’t see it as such. While recalling that, I don’t want little sadness to come off my eyes but she just did and it felt hot on my cheeks. It squeezes my heart and I can hardly breath. These are only some of the things I don’t want you to know because you won’t care anyway. I am forever be a nobody to you cause if I matter, you would remember some of the things about me. You forget a lot of things about my identity. Can you tell me how to forget you? Can you show me how to forget my feelings for you? I just don’t know how, these are all new to me and it’s driving me insane. If I could just show you everything. If only I could say these all to you…
PS: Thank you online journal for listening to this crap and shit. Til again. xoxo
I choose to..
…let go, not because I no longer care but I know you don’t and never will
…remove all the assumptions in my head because it won’t get me anywhere
…forget the dreams about you because I know it will never come true
…ignore the scream of this tiny muscle near my rib cage because I know yours won’t shout my name
…MOVE ON because that’s the smartest thing to do
I can only hope for that someday. I’m not sure if trusting it’ll come would help.
Like the song “Tomorrow” by Avril Lavigne, I wanna believe you that everything will be okay but not today… I hope tomorrow. For the past few days, I tried to forget everything about you. It’s not that I cared less but because I am falling deeper and deeper each day. I get infected by something I’m not sure what to call. This feeling is new to me, it’s so strange I can’t even understand my own mind and heart. Maybe I am overthinking but honestly, all I want to do is to see you personally. I hate this little production in my head playing scenarios that one day there’s you and me walking down the streets of somewhere eating ice cream on a hot day, drinking coffee talking about random stuff or just plainly sitting next to each other holding hands while watching the stars and moon. I want to get rid of the feeling and if I do that I know I should not talk to you but at the same time I can’t let you go. I can’t. I don’t want to. I am overthinking… I know that. I cried and it was the most satisfying cry I had for how many days. I imagined you and her back together, I was at the corner smiling because I’m seeing you happy even if it pains me inside. Will that day come? I’m not sure if I can take the pain if that happens. You have no idea how much I keep myself busy just to get rid of you in my head. All I ever want is to forget that I have feelings for you. Wanna know why? Because I know you will never reciprocate. I’m tired of thinking about what ifs and maybe. I’m even too tired writing about this post coz I know it’s the same story over and over.
I believe there’s no way you will forget her. I know deep inside that feeling will not fade because you have high hopes that someday your roads will cross and by that time, all the images in your head will become real. Your dreams will come true under her arms. The kind of family you wanted, the kind of wife you want to have is her. I know that. I feel sorry for myself coz if that time comes, I’m not given the chance by fate to show you how much you mean to me. This project I’m working on is called Nirvana and it involves you. More of you. I can only hope that there’s a chance for me to prove myself to you. That I am worth it to love. I hope time will grant me that. I hope you can wait for me until I get there. But since you have no idea about this thought I guess I will move on. I will not assume that you also have something for me coz I know you don’t. I feel so much pain right now but I will be okay. I know it’ll be okay.