It’s my birthday today and while I celebrate my 24 years of existence, I feel like singing my heart out! This year is full of ups and downs and during those terrible times, HE proved that he’s just there to lift me up. This year is not only a celebration of my natal day but also a celebration of the goodness of the Lord.
Before anything else, I want to thank Him for everything. When I have no one to talk to he always listens. He is my comfort and my armor. He is the LIFE inside me. Thank you Lord God for gracing me and blessing me with such beautiful life.
To my family who can’t afford an expensive food in some fancy resto. That’s okay! As long as you’re here beside me and that we’re here together, it’s enough. Seeing all your smiles and hearing your laughter makes my day more bright. You are all I need. My comfort zone.
To my friends who loves me so much. My goodness, what have I done in my previous life to deserve such great friends? There are only a few (few really?) I’m not sure, I’ve got friends all over the globe who loves me so much. I can’t believe that love like yours existed. Thank you for the love. Thank you for the friendship and bond that I can keep forever.
And I just want to share something. This is the most beautiful birthday message I received from someone I dearly love and this letter is too pretty not to share. I’m lucky enough to have a family like her. Love you forever my favorite cousin, my twin sister, my best friend, my counselor and everything ♥
Thank you everyone!
I’m reminded of my mission. To heal broken hearts. That’s what light workers do. At first, I don’t understand why people would come up and talk to me about their love lives. I never had any relationship before so if there’s one last person you can speak with regarding heart problems, that would be me. Still, they come to me and talk. I listen and eventually give logical love advice. How did I do it? I’m not sure, maybe because I see the picture clearly because I’m not part of it. I don’t feel what they feel and that gives me the power to think. I find it fulfilling seeing someone crying in front of me while I’m giving them warm hugs because that helps them express and vent out what they feel inside. I find it fulfilling when someone shares their story to me, I know I can be trusted. I find it fulfilling seeing someone happy after they have recovered. Who wouldn’t want genuine happiness, right?
When they’re okay and find another things to do, they just sort of forget that I existed. Like them, I have my own heart problems too. I gave my heart to someone but he handed it back to me or no, more like he refused accepting it. It’s horrible and sadder than an actual break up. The unrequited love. I’ve seen a lot of movies, read various books, listen to my colleague’s stories and by observing, it doesn’t sound so happy at all. Who am I kidding? I know it myself. I also have my own dose of it. It took me a lot of self convincing and mental practice but at the end of the day, it’s useless. It pains me so much. Do I deserve this? What have I done wrong in the past? You ask a lot of questions without getting an answer and that makes you feel insane. Literally. Everyday I always remind myself that its never gonna work, whatever I feel for this person is pointless and pathetic. The distance between me and him is only the physical aspect, timing can be sort with time however his feelings… that’s the thing I can never change. I can’t tell him to look at me the way he looks at his past lovers. I can’t make him love me. Even if all I have are these preconceived notions of love, I know I understand it, I get it and I’m capable of it but why is it that no one will give it to me? Then a thought came in, this one sided love doesn’t seem so sad at all. People would think that if you love someone and that person doesn’t love you back it’s the end of it but NO, that is not the case.
If there is one thing I’ve learned about this what they call “unrequited love” it is that this kind of love is the most powerful love of all. You love without getting something in return, without asking for that person to feel the same way as you do towards them. Love is the twin sister of pain and that’s given. It’s a risk.
Going back to the first part of this post, maybe you are just my mission in life and I guess my job is already done. You drifting away might be a sign that I’m done. You are my favorite assignment and I thank the Lord that even if I get shot by my own arrow, He made me realize so many things. Beautiful and wonderful things I know will help me grow. I woke up realizing that all I ever want is your happiness, even if it’s not with me. I was so selfish before because I only want you for myself. This is me finally saying I’m letting it all go. I choose to love you in silence and from afar until time takes away what’s left of this shattered heart. This is my brave self trying to forget something that never happened, the “what could have been” and “us” in my mind. I don’t want to cause you anything, you deserve all the goodness in the world. You have been part of me and that is something time can’t take away. Maybe you are not for me to keep so allow me, allow me to cut the string and let it all fly…
I know for sure you will no longer visit this secret sanctuary of mine, but I’m hoping that you would. The words are just out there and no matter how I hide, it has it’s own ways of coming out on its shell. You know from the very beginning how much I like you and even if I made a promise not to talk about my feelings anymore, I can’t help but say it all here. Words can’t even express how much I want you to be mine. I already noticed that something has changed the past few days, you’re no longer that talkative person I used to talk to everyday. Your words became less and less each day. Something isn’t right. I knew you have a new friend. You said you’ve already talk to her before, I knew right there and then that she is destined to become a reoccurring character in your life. I know I wasn’t allowed to care but I did. Then it hit me again and again. Who am I to you anyways? I really hope one day you will see that I was there for you, that I did truly care for you.
I know one thing, knowing you reminds me that I am capable of love, that I am worthy of love. My care and the feelings inside me will not go away that easy. It hurts so much M. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I’m being hopeless romantic for those people who doesn’t know what I feel but I know deep inside me that what I feel is true. It’s time for me to leave all those feelings behind. Leave it there.
Am I becoming too open on what I feel about you? It makes me so afraid now that you have a wide idea of what I’m thinking. I’m afraid on what myself appears to be that sometimes I wear a mask to hide the truths my heart only knows. I wanna feel like myself again, the kind of me that doesn’t mind the evolution of everything around my circle. The motion of my world has been so slow lately, I’m counting the days and ask when will that time comes when you can finally say “I don’t remember the feelings anymore for her.” I know… it’ll NEVER happen. I’m feeling like a sponge, absorbing every leak there is and it consumes me. The dream I had with you earlier was so symbolic. I like the feeling of familiarity it gives me and how it was so natural for the both of us to communicate that way in my dreams. I know it has a personal meaning but that production yesterday was really something. Yesterday, I read the personalized astrology from Adrian and it talks about premonitory dreams. Oh God, I don’t want to assume really. I’m a bit okay now, and somehow my heart is not that heavy but I know deep inside I’m still hoping.
And what the fuck did just happen Kath? Maybe this is the sign I’ve been waiting for. Should I cut off the communication? Oh I should. You better Kath! One of these days I will cut if off. Maybe. Yeah, I should do that, it’s the only way I know. I love you but I’m tired of acting like a bandage. My heart is so tired honestly. The assumptions in my head makes me insane and I know, I really know you still have her in your heart. Always. Forgive me for being sensitive.
I just don’t understand why I always cry when I think of you. It’s been 3 days now and God knows how I dislike the feeling. Does it have something to do with me being so assumptive on things? Or maybe because I am so desperate of wanting to have someone in my life that would love me unconditionally? My eyes sees something in you, my heart seconded the motion. I have feelings for you, feelings I don’t want to label because I’m not sure yet if this is real or not. How can someone fall for a person they haven’t meet yet? Someone who you just talked for hours online? I know you are virtual and your life back there involves more of her (the one who left). What we have is not part of your reality. Maybe. It’s just so unfair that you are part of mine. You’re part of my dreams and plans. I’m just over thinking right? Why do you tell me I am important to you? Why do you want to keep me close for a long time? Is it because you’re bored and got no one else to talk to? That thought hurts. I know I told you about my feeling that maybe you are making me as your temporary bandage. You might not admit it but it appears to be like that and that hurts me even more. I can still remember the message you sent me 2 months ago (which I still have on my notepad) you said you are willing to drive 12 hours just to see her.. you are willing to DIE for her. Wow! I don’t know what else to say but she’s one hell of a lucky girl. I want to think that I am the one for you but how can I beat her? How can I beat your love for her? She’s your past and in your mind she’s your present and future. I’m just one lonely girl 12 hrs away from you. Sometimes I imagined that I am the real Kathy from the future, just like the real person or cyborg from the movie I told you. I’m the real Kathy and I am from the future…but then again, you don’t see it as such. While recalling that, I don’t want little sadness to come off my eyes but she just did and it felt hot on my cheeks. It squeezes my heart and I can hardly breath. These are only some of the things I don’t want you to know because you won’t care anyway. I am forever be a nobody to you cause if I matter, you would remember some of the things about me. You forget a lot of things about my identity. Can you tell me how to forget you? Can you show me how to forget my feelings for you? I just don’t know how, these are all new to me and it’s driving me insane. If I could just show you everything. If only I could say these all to you…
PS: Thank you online journal for listening to this crap and shit. Til again. xoxo
Like the song “Tomorrow” by Avril Lavigne, I wanna believe you that everything will be okay but not today… I hope tomorrow. For the past few days, I tried to forget everything about you. It’s not that I cared less but because I am falling deeper and deeper each day. I get infected by something I’m not sure what to call. This feeling is new to me, it’s so strange I can’t even understand my own mind and heart. Maybe I am overthinking but honestly, all I want to do is to see you personally. I hate this little production in my head playing scenarios that one day there’s you and me walking down the streets of somewhere eating ice cream on a hot day, drinking coffee talking about random stuff or just plainly sitting next to each other holding hands while watching the stars and moon. I want to get rid of the feeling and if I do that I know I should not talk to you but at the same time I can’t let you go. I can’t. I don’t want to. I am overthinking… I know that. I cried and it was the most satisfying cry I had for how many days. I imagined you and her back together, I was at the corner smiling because I’m seeing you happy even if it pains me inside. Will that day come? I’m not sure if I can take the pain if that happens. You have no idea how much I keep myself busy just to get rid of you in my head. All I ever want is to forget that I have feelings for you. Wanna know why? Because I know you will never reciprocate. I’m tired of thinking about what ifs and maybe. I’m even too tired writing about this post coz I know it’s the same story over and over.
“Don’t say you love me unless forever
Don’t tell me you need me, if you’re not gonna stay
Don’t give me this feeling, I’ll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away”
I was on my way to the airport last night when I heard the song “Don’t say you love me” by The Corrs and while I was listening… it hit me. The song filled the 4 chambers of my heart with so many emotions I couldn’t understand but what dominated most was longing or pain, well there’s a very thin line between the two. I’m really confused with what I’m feeling at that moment. No. I’m confused with what I’m feeling right now. My feelings for him and the status of my future self makes me feel so afraid. Heaven knows how I wanted to show him the bigger truths my heart knows but I don’t want to overwhelm him. If only I had the opportunity to take care of him and love him like no one else mattered but just him I would. I want to take care of his vulnerable heart. I want to show him the beauty of the world and the beauty of love. That it’s not just about pain and regrets and what ifs. I know I have so much to give, I am so confident with that and I don’t want to give this to any other person…only to him.
But… I can only love him from afar. And I don’t want to get inside the picture frame for I know he’s still reserving that void space for her ex. Maybe. Who knows. That thought pains me but what can I do about it? I can only love him in silence. I can only be that one friend for him. A FRIEND he wanted to keep forever.
(Sigh) I just want to be with you M.