I’m reminded of my mission. To heal broken hearts. That’s what light workers do. At first, I don’t understand why people would come up and talk to me about their love lives. I never had any relationship before so if there’s one last person you can speak with regarding heart problems, that would be me. Still, they come to me and talk. I listen and eventually give logical love advice. How did I do it? I’m not sure, maybe because I see the picture clearly because I’m not part of it. I don’t feel what they feel and that gives me the power to think. I find it fulfilling seeing someone crying in front of me while I’m giving them warm hugs because that helps them express and vent out what they feel inside. I find it fulfilling when someone shares their story to me, I know I can be trusted. I find it fulfilling seeing someone happy after they have recovered. Who wouldn’t want genuine happiness, right?
When they’re okay and find another things to do, they just sort of forget that I existed. Like them, I have my own heart problems too. I gave my heart to someone but he handed it back to me or no, more like he refused accepting it. It’s horrible and sadder than an actual break up. The unrequited love. I’ve seen a lot of movies, read various books, listen to my colleague’s stories and by observing, it doesn’t sound so happy at all. Who am I kidding? I know it myself. I also have my own dose of it. It took me a lot of self convincing and mental practice but at the end of the day, it’s useless. It pains me so much. Do I deserve this? What have I done wrong in the past? You ask a lot of questions without getting an answer and that makes you feel insane. Literally. Everyday I always remind myself that its never gonna work, whatever I feel for this person is pointless and pathetic. The distance between me and him is only the physical aspect, timing can be sort with time however his feelings… that’s the thing I can never change. I can’t tell him to look at me the way he looks at his past lovers. I can’t make him love me. Even if all I have are these preconceived notions of love, I know I understand it, I get it and I’m capable of it but why is it that no one will give it to me? Then a thought came in, this one sided love doesn’t seem so sad at all. People would think that if you love someone and that person doesn’t love you back it’s the end of it but NO, that is not the case.
If there is one thing I’ve learned about this what they call “unrequited love” it is that this kind of love is the most powerful love of all. You love without getting something in return, without asking for that person to feel the same way as you do towards them. Love is the twin sister of pain and that’s given. It’s a risk.
Going back to the first part of this post, maybe you are just my mission in life and I guess my job is already done. You drifting away might be a sign that I’m done. You are my favorite assignment and I thank the Lord that even if I get shot by my own arrow, He made me realize so many things. Beautiful and wonderful things I know will help me grow. I woke up realizing that all I ever want is your happiness, even if it’s not with me. I was so selfish before because I only want you for myself. This is me finally saying I’m letting it all go. I choose to love you in silence and from afar until time takes away what’s left of this shattered heart. This is my brave self trying to forget something that never happened, the “what could have been” and “us” in my mind. I don’t want to cause you anything, you deserve all the goodness in the world. You have been part of me and that is something time can’t take away. Maybe you are not for me to keep so allow me, allow me to cut the string and let it all fly…
I know for sure you will no longer visit this secret sanctuary of mine, but I’m hoping that you would. The words are just out there and no matter how I hide, it has it’s own ways of coming out on its shell. You know from the very beginning how much I like you and even if I made a promise not to talk about my feelings anymore, I can’t help but say it all here. Words can’t even express how much I want you to be mine. I already noticed that something has changed the past few days, you’re no longer that talkative person I used to talk to everyday. Your words became less and less each day. Something isn’t right. I knew you have a new friend. You said you’ve already talk to her before, I knew right there and then that she is destined to become a reoccurring character in your life. I know I wasn’t allowed to care but I did. Then it hit me again and again. Who am I to you anyways? I really hope one day you will see that I was there for you, that I did truly care for you.
I know one thing, knowing you reminds me that I am capable of love, that I am worthy of love. My care and the feelings inside me will not go away that easy. It hurts so much M. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I’m being hopeless romantic for those people who doesn’t know what I feel but I know deep inside me that what I feel is true. It’s time for me to leave all those feelings behind. Leave it there.
This is the story of a girl whom she thought that all she believed in before was slowly becoming unreal. She glanced at the calendar and saw July 10, 2015. It’s been 2 years and few months since it happened and for her it was only a memory of pain and sorrow that she’s longing to forget. She was on her way of opening to the world again, time by time she was gaining confidence. It was sedate but sure. She entertained, meet new friends and slowly she allowed people to take a view through an empty space of her heart. Almost all of them filled it with new memories. Good ones.
Just as when she was about to go outside her shell, it was a matter of split seconds when someone, did the same thing to her. You couldn’t draw the horror in her face, but she remained calm and steady. She told herself she’s been there before and now she can handle it without going back to her comfort zone. Without going back to where she used to stay.
It’s like a snap and history repeats itself. She couldn’t imagine it was that easy. She tried so hard to remain strong, but that was all in her mind. The courage is all inside her head. Somehow her heart is still vulnerable. It needs its shell back. It needs its lock again. She will hide. She will go back to that same thought she believed in. For how long? She can’t tell.
“My heart needs its carapace again”
To that one person I couldn’t forget until today. Thanks for being an inspiration to my art. It’s been a while since I last wrote something like this. This is more like a song than a poem actually. You may never care or even heard about me but I don’t have any intentions of letting you know about this anyway. This is my secret sanctuary, no one knows everything I’ve been writing here but me so I guess I’m safe. All I want is to gather some words and put them in an aquarium where it can swim freely and I’ll watch them til I get tired. But, I’ll never get tired of picking words and add up to my collection. Until I’m alive, I’ll continue to write some songs for the heart. May it be mine or somebody else’s. Here it goes.
Trapped memories in my head
slowly fading in time
I couldn’t recall the last image
of you in my mind
Was it when we kissed
under the rain one night
Or was it when you held my hand
and utter the words goodbye
Mixed dreams and real memories
like a faded photograph
That I took when I was happy and sad
Surreal feelings in my heart
like a nightmare becoming real
Help me forget, help me understand
Time and again I run through
I couldn’t count the times
when my mind speaks your name
Like a drug, my addiction
Am I still into you?
Or am I just inlove with love
I don’t know you anymore
Time took you away
so far away I couldn’t follow
there, it’s better you stay
I’ll let it fly and cut the string
I whisper you goodbye
Keep you in my unknown treasury
Like a faded memory
Thank you again F. I’ll be back soon. ♥♥♥