#rollercoaster

Broken-Heart-With-Bandage

 

Am I becoming too open on what I feel about you? It makes me so afraid now that you have a wide idea of what I’m thinking. I’m afraid on what myself appears to be that sometimes I wear a mask to hide the truths my heart only knows. I wanna feel like myself again, the kind of me that doesn’t mind the evolution of everything around my circle. The motion of my world has been so slow lately, I’m counting the days and ask when will that time comes when you can finally say “I don’t remember the feelings anymore for her.” I know… it’ll NEVER happen. I’m feeling like a sponge, absorbing every leak there is and it consumes me. The dream I had with you earlier was so symbolic. I like the feeling of familiarity it gives me and how it was so natural for the both of us to communicate that way in my dreams. I know it has a personal meaning but that production yesterday was really something. Yesterday, I read the personalized astrology from Adrian and it talks about premonitory dreams. Oh God, I don’t want to assume really. I’m a bit okay now, and somehow my heart is not that heavy but I know deep inside I’m still hoping.

And what the fuck did just happen Kath? Maybe this is the sign I’ve been waiting for. Should I cut off the communication? Oh I should. You better Kath! One of these days I will cut if off. Maybe. Yeah, I should do that, it’s the only way I know. I love you but I’m tired of acting like a bandage. My heart is so tired honestly. The assumptions in my head makes me insane and I know, I really know you still have her in your heart. Always. Forgive me for being sensitive.

#unrequited

I just don’t understand why I always cry when I think of you. It’s been 3 days now and God knows how I dislike the feeling. Does it have something to do with me being so assumptive on things? Or maybe because I am so desperate of wanting to have someone in my life that would love me unconditionally? My eyes sees something in you, my heart seconded the motion. I have feelings for you, feelings I don’t want to label because I’m not sure yet if this is real or not. How can someone fall for a person they haven’t meet yet? Someone who you just talked for hours online? I know you are virtual and your life back there involves more of her (the one who left). What we have is not part of your reality. Maybe. It’s just so unfair that you are part of mine. You’re part of my dreams and plans. I’m just over thinking right? Why do you tell me I am important to you? Why do you want to keep me close for a long time? Is it because you’re bored and got no one else to talk to? That thought hurts. I know I told you about my feeling that maybe you are making me as your temporary bandage. You might not admit it but it appears to be like that and that hurts me even more. I can still remember the message you sent me 2 months ago (which I still have on my notepad) you said you are willing to drive 12 hours just to see her.. you are willing to DIE for her. Wow! I don’t know what else to say but she’s one hell of a lucky girl. I want to think that I am the one for you but how can I beat her? How can I beat your love for her? She’s your past and in your mind she’s your present and future. I’m just one lonely girl 12 hrs away from you. Sometimes I imagined that I am the real Kathy from the future, just like the real person or cyborg from the movie I told you. I’m the real Kathy and I am from the future…but then again, you don’t see it as such. While recalling that, I don’t want little sadness to come off my eyes but she just did and it felt hot on my cheeks. It squeezes my heart and I can hardly breath. These are only some of the things I don’t want you to know because you won’t care anyway. I am forever be a nobody to you cause if I matter, you would remember some of the things about me. You forget a lot of things about my identity. Can you tell me how to forget you? Can you show me how to forget my feelings for you? I just don’t know how, these are all new to me and it’s driving me insane. If I could just show you everything. If only I could say these all to you…

PS: Thank you online journal for listening to this crap and shit. Til again. xoxo

Emotions I won’t tell… (LOST)

White summer starts to break
Pale sun shyly shines
Hot air touches my skin but I feel cold
Numb from last year’s season

I am one lifeless form
Alive but barely breathing
Truth is I’m a walking dead
I don’t know which way to go

Is being lost a good way to find oneself?
I can’t find myself, I’m losing it
Alone. I’m not one of them
Should I be sitting here?
Who are these people and who am I?

Therefore I conclude, I am lost
In a place where home is like seeing a distant star in daytime
I have no one but myself in an unknown direction
Where to? How to?
Am I searching so hard?
But what am I searching for?
Hand me the map of life, somebody please
Who am I again? And why am I writing this?

Can’t Let Go

Hi blog. I’m so lost. I saw him with her the day my Lola’s passing. I thought I no longer have feelings for him but then it still affects me. He… still affects me.
But I can’t let go
‘Coz deep in my heart I know
There’s a bit of hope
That there will be us
But I can’t let go
For I know you’ll see me too
Not the girl I used to be
But a woman who can
Love you unconditionally
I can’t let go
To this pity feelings of mine
Someday you’ll realize
I’ll wait for the time
Promise I won’t let go
I will be here always
Trust that my feelings remain
Until the very end…

‘Til again FXC.

Left Hanging

I came across path with this man. I barely knew him, a couple of weeks maybe. Somehow he reminds me of someone from my past. It’s haunting me for that chapter is not yet close somehow. I’ve moved on and accepted what happened and what he did. I’m no longer in pain with that person, more like I am in pain for the action that has been done. Maybe part of me does not want to close its pages because it brings powerful feelings that helps me to write. It has its own sorcery that guides my heart and mind to complete an art. Going back to this person I just met, he makes me feel beautiful. I gained confidence and trust for myself. He gives courage, showed kindness and said the magic words or so I thought for he left me hanging just like what the first person did. I knew it’s coming and I already accepted everything before it happened. I am sure that nothing is wrong with me. I am convinced that it’s not my soul who has issues with this. It was them. It was them after all. There’s a little bit of sore in my heart, I’m still human anyways and I still have feelings. My mind wants to remember this through a poem.

How can I be so stupid?
I knew from the start.
How can you let it Cupid?
You stung my heart.

I was starting to open myself more
To the crowd I didn’t trust before
I am starting to explore
But you didn’t protect my core

I knew you’re like him
You are not sincere
But still I trusted
Even if I am in fear

And there it goes you left still
Despite of all my plea
My heart has its second fill
I’ll wait another forever ’til its free

Free to love again without terror
Free to enjoy life without pain
Free to know what life is about
Free to explore without feeling left out

Thank you still. I have learned a lot. I know each time I stumble and fall I am one step closer to the right person. Thanks for the pain for it gives me courage. Thanks for the memories for it gives me lesson that I can use in the next. The world is beautiful and I’m not gonna stop giving love until I find my perfect match. Good morning earthlings! xD