Every time I feel something I couldn’t describe, the question “why?” always pops my head. Why do I have to feel something like this? To think, you are only 0.009% reality. I don’t know your whole being and background, haven’t seen you yet or even heard your voice. But why? Why do I always feel something that drags me down? I get lost because of you, I became estrange with my own self. So to stop this insanity I decided not to speak with you for how many months. That was the only way I could get out of your image but, every where I go, the Universe has its way of reminding me that I left something behind. I always see your name wherever I go. Kinda freaks me out actually. I am not good at keeping promises to myself so I broke my own when I started speaking with you again. It was okay but I know something has changed. All I got from you was, you missed this girl from Russia. Boy, I can totally erase you in my life and pretend that you haven’t existed at all. I can do it, but I don’t want to. Why? I don’t know the answers. Part of me wants to be with you someday no matter how hard or impossible it is. Part of me wants to see you even from afar no matter how long I have to wait. Part of me is hoping you will love me back even just for a while. I want to know you more. I want to know who you are, not at this generation. Have you contributed to my past life? Who are you in my future, or are you even a part of it? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers to these questions right now. All I can do is to live “at the moment” and make the most out of my life. I just don’t know what else to say. Sigh. I just want to be happy.
I came across path with this man. I barely knew him, a couple of weeks maybe. Somehow he reminds me of someone from my past. It’s haunting me for that chapter is not yet close somehow. I’ve moved on and accepted what happened and what he did. I’m no longer in pain with that person, more like I am in pain for the action that has been done. Maybe part of me does not want to close its pages because it brings powerful feelings that helps me to write. It has its own sorcery that guides my heart and mind to complete an art. Going back to this person I just met, he makes me feel beautiful. I gained confidence and trust for myself. He gives courage, showed kindness and said the magic words or so I thought for he left me hanging just like what the first person did. I knew it’s coming and I already accepted everything before it happened. I am sure that nothing is wrong with me. I am convinced that it’s not my soul who has issues with this. It was them. It was them after all. There’s a little bit of sore in my heart, I’m still human anyways and I still have feelings. My mind wants to remember this through a poem.
How can I be so stupid?
I knew from the start.
How can you let it Cupid?
You stung my heart.
I was starting to open myself more
To the crowd I didn’t trust before
I am starting to explore
But you didn’t protect my core
I knew you’re like him
You are not sincere
But still I trusted
Even if I am in fear
And there it goes you left still
Despite of all my plea
My heart has its second fill
I’ll wait another forever ’til its free
Free to love again without terror
Free to enjoy life without pain
Free to know what life is about
Free to explore without feeling left out
Thank you still. I have learned a lot. I know each time I stumble and fall I am one step closer to the right person. Thanks for the pain for it gives me courage. Thanks for the memories for it gives me lesson that I can use in the next. The world is beautiful and I’m not gonna stop giving love until I find my perfect match. Good morning earthlings! xD