I’m reminded of my mission. To heal broken hearts. That’s what light workers do. At first, I don’t understand why people would come up and talk to me about their love lives. I never had any relationship before so if there’s one last person you can speak with regarding heart problems, that would be me. Still, they come to me and talk. I listen and eventually give logical love advice. How did I do it? I’m not sure, maybe because I see the picture clearly because I’m not part of it. I don’t feel what they feel and that gives me the power to think. I find it fulfilling seeing someone crying in front of me while I’m giving them warm hugs because that helps them express and vent out what they feel inside. I find it fulfilling when someone shares their story to me, I know I can be trusted. I find it fulfilling seeing someone happy after they have recovered. Who wouldn’t want genuine happiness, right?
When they’re okay and find another things to do, they just sort of forget that I existed. Like them, I have my own heart problems too. I gave my heart to someone but he handed it back to me or no, more like he refused accepting it. It’s horrible and sadder than an actual break up. The unrequited love. I’ve seen a lot of movies, read various books, listen to my colleague’s stories and by observing, it doesn’t sound so happy at all. Who am I kidding? I know it myself. I also have my own dose of it. It took me a lot of self convincing and mental practice but at the end of the day, it’s useless. It pains me so much. Do I deserve this? What have I done wrong in the past? You ask a lot of questions without getting an answer and that makes you feel insane. Literally. Everyday I always remind myself that its never gonna work, whatever I feel for this person is pointless and pathetic. The distance between me and him is only the physical aspect, timing can be sort with time however his feelings… that’s the thing I can never change. I can’t tell him to look at me the way he looks at his past lovers. I can’t make him love me. Even if all I have are these preconceived notions of love, I know I understand it, I get it and I’m capable of it but why is it that no one will give it to me? Then a thought came in, this one sided love doesn’t seem so sad at all. People would think that if you love someone and that person doesn’t love you back it’s the end of it but NO, that is not the case.
If there is one thing I’ve learned about this what they call “unrequited love” it is that this kind of love is the most powerful love of all. You love without getting something in return, without asking for that person to feel the same way as you do towards them. Love is the twin sister of pain and that’s given. It’s a risk.
Going back to the first part of this post, maybe you are just my mission in life and I guess my job is already done. You drifting away might be a sign that I’m done. You are my favorite assignment and I thank the Lord that even if I get shot by my own arrow, He made me realize so many things. Beautiful and wonderful things I know will help me grow. I woke up realizing that all I ever want is your happiness, even if it’s not with me. I was so selfish before because I only want you for myself. This is me finally saying I’m letting it all go. I choose to love you in silence and from afar until time takes away what’s left of this shattered heart. This is my brave self trying to forget something that never happened, the “what could have been” and “us” in my mind. I don’t want to cause you anything, you deserve all the goodness in the world. You have been part of me and that is something time can’t take away. Maybe you are not for me to keep so allow me, allow me to cut the string and let it all fly…
Am I becoming too open on what I feel about you? It makes me so afraid now that you have a wide idea of what I’m thinking. I’m afraid on what myself appears to be that sometimes I wear a mask to hide the truths my heart only knows. I wanna feel like myself again, the kind of me that doesn’t mind the evolution of everything around my circle. The motion of my world has been so slow lately, I’m counting the days and ask when will that time comes when you can finally say “I don’t remember the feelings anymore for her.” I know… it’ll NEVER happen. I’m feeling like a sponge, absorbing every leak there is and it consumes me. The dream I had with you earlier was so symbolic. I like the feeling of familiarity it gives me and how it was so natural for the both of us to communicate that way in my dreams. I know it has a personal meaning but that production yesterday was really something. Yesterday, I read the personalized astrology from Adrian and it talks about premonitory dreams. Oh God, I don’t want to assume really. I’m a bit okay now, and somehow my heart is not that heavy but I know deep inside I’m still hoping.
And what the fuck did just happen Kath? Maybe this is the sign I’ve been waiting for. Should I cut off the communication? Oh I should. You better Kath! One of these days I will cut if off. Maybe. Yeah, I should do that, it’s the only way I know. I love you but I’m tired of acting like a bandage. My heart is so tired honestly. The assumptions in my head makes me insane and I know, I really know you still have her in your heart. Always. Forgive me for being sensitive.
Went karaoke last night, I feel like all the love songs were made for me. I don’t know why I’m like this, you pushed too many buttons in me I didn’t know I have. I want to feel free again because I’m like caged in the thought that maybe there will be an “us” but I know that it’s not gonna happen. Why do I feel pain? The thought of you distracts me. The thought of you in my life is what I want but all the what ifs makes it so hard. I don’t know but I feel like I met you for a reason. I mean there’s a reason behind every coincidences plus our stars! Damn our stars! You may not understand them now but… oh well I don’t want to give my heart so much hope cause I know there’s nothing to hope for. These overflowing emotions I have for you is a waste. It can never be real and I have to accept that. I’m just desperate to have someone in my life, I get that now. I don’t want to be alone. I want to love and be loved. Hmmkaaay that’s too much. I just hope that when I leave Philippines, I’ll be able to move on and find myself in a foreign land alone. I don’t want to forget you but I want to forget the feeling ‘coz it hurts so much. So much that sometimes I see myself staring at blank space, not talking to my friends or responding so late. I don’t want to feel assumptions anymore. Help me not to assume please. I can be your friend forever but I can’t do that if I have feelings for you, feelings I know you will never reciprocate. Pity party 2016! I didn’t forget what you said about not giving up so easily in general, so I know that until now you still want to fight for her. Maybe not today but in the not so distant future (insert tears and this fucking emo love song). Keep calm and breathe Kath! It will be over soon. I know somewhere in my not so distant future as well, I’ll see that one man…the right person God will give me. Who is he? He’s the only one who can heal me. Oh come here sooon.
“Don’t say you love me unless forever
Don’t tell me you need me, if you’re not gonna stay
Don’t give me this feeling, I’ll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away”
I was on my way to the airport last night when I heard the song “Don’t say you love me” by The Corrs and while I was listening… it hit me. The song filled the 4 chambers of my heart with so many emotions I couldn’t understand but what dominated most was longing or pain, well there’s a very thin line between the two. I’m really confused with what I’m feeling at that moment. No. I’m confused with what I’m feeling right now. My feelings for him and the status of my future self makes me feel so afraid. Heaven knows how I wanted to show him the bigger truths my heart knows but I don’t want to overwhelm him. If only I had the opportunity to take care of him and love him like no one else mattered but just him I would. I want to take care of his vulnerable heart. I want to show him the beauty of the world and the beauty of love. That it’s not just about pain and regrets and what ifs. I know I have so much to give, I am so confident with that and I don’t want to give this to any other person…only to him.
But… I can only love him from afar. And I don’t want to get inside the picture frame for I know he’s still reserving that void space for her ex. Maybe. Who knows. That thought pains me but what can I do about it? I can only love him in silence. I can only be that one friend for him. A FRIEND he wanted to keep forever.
(Sigh) I just want to be with you M.
White summer starts to break
Pale sun shyly shines
Hot air touches my skin but I feel cold
Numb from last year’s season
I am one lifeless form
Alive but barely breathing
Truth is I’m a walking dead
I don’t know which way to go
Is being lost a good way to find oneself?
I can’t find myself, I’m losing it
Alone. I’m not one of them
Should I be sitting here?
Who are these people and who am I?
Therefore I conclude, I am lost
In a place where home is like seeing a distant star in daytime
I have no one but myself in an unknown direction
Where to? How to?
Am I searching so hard?
But what am I searching for?
Hand me the map of life, somebody please
Who am I again? And why am I writing this?
Last year March 17, 2014 to be exact, I posted a blog about me having a fairy guide which is a fairy. I remember I was so happy when I knew that this fairy has been my guide for I-don’t-since. On the last part of that blog I was talking about being in doubt and self discoveries. Well I guess I’m starting to learn what these forces are and why that fairy was with me.
For some Catholics, maybe you’ve heard about ‘Healing Family Tree’. I am afraid I could not explain it properly as this topic is really immense and if I try to it might bring some confusion and more doubt to the readers. But anyways, I will tell as much as I can. This kind of healing, from the name itself helps each families who had recurring problems like addiction, financial problems, divorce, accidents and many kinds of diseases to be able to get away from it as it is believed that those problems came from our ancestors who had the same issues. Alright this sounds incredulously made up story, I know but let me explain further. When a person dies, it is said that their spirits who had those problems affect the next generation because their problems will be passed on to their descendants. In other words, children are adversely affected by the sins of their parents, grandparents and great-grandparents who were also affected by the sins of their ancestors. I’m not only talking about sins and diseases here by the way, there is a much bigger picture than this. Some ancestors also made curses that is passed on to the next generation, others had traumas and depression. This generational curses or bad inheritances needs to be cut for 2 main reasons. First, to heal the mind, body and spirit of the family members may it be living or dead. Second, for the prevention of any disorders in future family members who do not exist yet. Thus why it’s called ‘Healing Family Tree’.
Let me share to you my journey about discovering this. What happened to me was something I could not explain. I couldn’t understand if I should feel happy because somehow there is this gift within me or should I fear because I don’t know where this would lead me. Fear of the unknown. They said I could be of help to those spirits who are already in a different realm who needs prayers. They couldn’t go up because of the amount of sins they’ve made when they were still alive. I am used as a medium to talk to my dead ancestors. Yes! At first I thought I was under hypnosis or something. Like what I posted on my previous blog, I’m a to see is to believe kind of person. So the first time we did it, my mind was in total opposite to what my family believes in. I don’t buy it. Period. However for some reasons when we did the healing, my body starts to move uncontrollably. I am speaking languages I can’t even understand, I’m performing rituals and chanting. It was not me after all, it was my ancestor who sold herself to the Prince of Darkness. It happened not only once but many times. We found out that the reason why the sisters of my grandfather and my 2 aunts did not marry was because during the 16th century, one of our ancestors made an offering that all virgins of her lineage will be submitted to Satan. Another one was a curse spoken by a rich Spanish woman on the 15th century that no matter how much we try to succeed we will always fail. We break the curse, released them in chains and free our generation from any of those. As of the moment we still continue to pray and offer masses to them. I want to write something about this because maybe like me, you also have that gift within you. Offer prayers and masses for your ancestors especially those forgotten ones. You have no idea how much it would mean to them.
Photo from Google.
Our ancestors in purgatory suffering. Offer prayers and masses. Photo from Google.
Healing Family Tree to free all of us.
Photo from Google.
This article is only part of the whole. There are still a lot of things I haven’t discovered yet and I’m still on with this journey. I thank God because no matter how much I denied Him before He still accepts me and now I’m back into His loving arms.
Dear Future BF,
Again, I’m in the middle of loneliness. For some reasons I feel that there’s lacking in my heart. Is it you? I don’t know. Whenever I feel so empty, I always ask.. Is it gonna be the same if you’re here? Will I ever feel so empty and cold at this moment? That still I don’t know. I keep everything to myself, none of my close friends knew that I’m feeling this way. Honestly, I need you. How can a person feel they needed someone they haven’t meet yet? I’m not sure with the answer. Maybe there’s a blind connection between us that when I needed someone I come to think of you. All of the questions I have in my mind is when. When can I see you? When can I hug you? When can I kiss you? When can we share our love? I don’t know, will that someday going to happen? I’m longing for the touch I haven’t felt yet, longing for that lips I haven’t tasted yet, longing for you love I haven’t personally experienced yet. I love you and I miss you. Please be here soon.
Your Future GF