Every time I feel something I couldn’t describe, the question “why?” always pops my head. Why do I have to feel something like this? To think, you are only 0.009% reality. I don’t know your whole being and background, haven’t seen you yet or even heard your voice. But why? Why do I always feel something that drags me down? I get lost because of you, I became estrange with my own self. So to stop this insanity I decided not to speak with you for how many months. That was the only way I could get out of your image but, every where I go, the Universe has its way of reminding me that I left something behind. I always see your name wherever I go. Kinda freaks me out actually. I am not good at keeping promises to myself so I broke my own when I started speaking with you again. It was okay but I know something has changed. All I got from you was, you missed this girl from Russia. Boy, I can totally erase you in my life and pretend that you haven’t existed at all. I can do it, but I don’t want to. Why? I don’t know the answers. Part of me wants to be with you someday no matter how hard or impossible it is. Part of me wants to see you even from afar no matter how long I have to wait. Part of me is hoping you will love me back even just for a while. I want to know you more. I want to know who you are, not at this generation. Have you contributed to my past life? Who are you in my future, or are you even a part of it? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers to these questions right now. All I can do is to live “at the moment” and make the most out of my life. I just don’t know what else to say. Sigh. I just want to be happy.
I’m reminded of my mission. To heal broken hearts. That’s what light workers do. At first, I don’t understand why people would come up and talk to me about their love lives. I never had any relationship before so if there’s one last person you can speak with regarding heart problems, that would be me. Still, they come to me and talk. I listen and eventually give logical love advice. How did I do it? I’m not sure, maybe because I see the picture clearly because I’m not part of it. I don’t feel what they feel and that gives me the power to think. I find it fulfilling seeing someone crying in front of me while I’m giving them warm hugs because that helps them express and vent out what they feel inside. I find it fulfilling when someone shares their story to me, I know I can be trusted. I find it fulfilling seeing someone happy after they have recovered. Who wouldn’t want genuine happiness, right?
When they’re okay and find another things to do, they just sort of forget that I existed. Like them, I have my own heart problems too. I gave my heart to someone but he handed it back to me or no, more like he refused accepting it. It’s horrible and sadder than an actual break up. The unrequited love. I’ve seen a lot of movies, read various books, listen to my colleague’s stories and by observing, it doesn’t sound so happy at all. Who am I kidding? I know it myself. I also have my own dose of it. It took me a lot of self convincing and mental practice but at the end of the day, it’s useless. It pains me so much. Do I deserve this? What have I done wrong in the past? You ask a lot of questions without getting an answer and that makes you feel insane. Literally. Everyday I always remind myself that its never gonna work, whatever I feel for this person is pointless and pathetic. The distance between me and him is only the physical aspect, timing can be sort with time however his feelings… that’s the thing I can never change. I can’t tell him to look at me the way he looks at his past lovers. I can’t make him love me. Even if all I have are these preconceived notions of love, I know I understand it, I get it and I’m capable of it but why is it that no one will give it to me? Then a thought came in, this one sided love doesn’t seem so sad at all. People would think that if you love someone and that person doesn’t love you back it’s the end of it but NO, that is not the case.
If there is one thing I’ve learned about this what they call “unrequited love” it is that this kind of love is the most powerful love of all. You love without getting something in return, without asking for that person to feel the same way as you do towards them. Love is the twin sister of pain and that’s given. It’s a risk.
Going back to the first part of this post, maybe you are just my mission in life and I guess my job is already done. You drifting away might be a sign that I’m done. You are my favorite assignment and I thank the Lord that even if I get shot by my own arrow, He made me realize so many things. Beautiful and wonderful things I know will help me grow. I woke up realizing that all I ever want is your happiness, even if it’s not with me. I was so selfish before because I only want you for myself. This is me finally saying I’m letting it all go. I choose to love you in silence and from afar until time takes away what’s left of this shattered heart. This is my brave self trying to forget something that never happened, the “what could have been” and “us” in my mind. I don’t want to cause you anything, you deserve all the goodness in the world. You have been part of me and that is something time can’t take away. Maybe you are not for me to keep so allow me, allow me to cut the string and let it all fly…
I know for sure you will no longer visit this secret sanctuary of mine, but I’m hoping that you would. The words are just out there and no matter how I hide, it has it’s own ways of coming out on its shell. You know from the very beginning how much I like you and even if I made a promise not to talk about my feelings anymore, I can’t help but say it all here. Words can’t even express how much I want you to be mine. I already noticed that something has changed the past few days, you’re no longer that talkative person I used to talk to everyday. Your words became less and less each day. Something isn’t right. I knew you have a new friend. You said you’ve already talk to her before, I knew right there and then that she is destined to become a reoccurring character in your life. I know I wasn’t allowed to care but I did. Then it hit me again and again. Who am I to you anyways? I really hope one day you will see that I was there for you, that I did truly care for you.
I know one thing, knowing you reminds me that I am capable of love, that I am worthy of love. My care and the feelings inside me will not go away that easy. It hurts so much M. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I’m being hopeless romantic for those people who doesn’t know what I feel but I know deep inside me that what I feel is true. It’s time for me to leave all those feelings behind. Leave it there.
I came across path with this man. I barely knew him, a couple of weeks maybe. Somehow he reminds me of someone from my past. It’s haunting me for that chapter is not yet close somehow. I’ve moved on and accepted what happened and what he did. I’m no longer in pain with that person, more like I am in pain for the action that has been done. Maybe part of me does not want to close its pages because it brings powerful feelings that helps me to write. It has its own sorcery that guides my heart and mind to complete an art. Going back to this person I just met, he makes me feel beautiful. I gained confidence and trust for myself. He gives courage, showed kindness and said the magic words or so I thought for he left me hanging just like what the first person did. I knew it’s coming and I already accepted everything before it happened. I am sure that nothing is wrong with me. I am convinced that it’s not my soul who has issues with this. It was them. It was them after all. There’s a little bit of sore in my heart, I’m still human anyways and I still have feelings. My mind wants to remember this through a poem.
How can I be so stupid?
I knew from the start.
How can you let it Cupid?
You stung my heart.
I was starting to open myself more
To the crowd I didn’t trust before
I am starting to explore
But you didn’t protect my core
I knew you’re like him
You are not sincere
But still I trusted
Even if I am in fear
And there it goes you left still
Despite of all my plea
My heart has its second fill
I’ll wait another forever ’til its free
Free to love again without terror
Free to enjoy life without pain
Free to know what life is about
Free to explore without feeling left out
Thank you still. I have learned a lot. I know each time I stumble and fall I am one step closer to the right person. Thanks for the pain for it gives me courage. Thanks for the memories for it gives me lesson that I can use in the next. The world is beautiful and I’m not gonna stop giving love until I find my perfect match. Good morning earthlings! xD
This is the story of a girl whom she thought that all she believed in before was slowly becoming unreal. She glanced at the calendar and saw July 10, 2015. It’s been 2 years and few months since it happened and for her it was only a memory of pain and sorrow that she’s longing to forget. She was on her way of opening to the world again, time by time she was gaining confidence. It was sedate but sure. She entertained, meet new friends and slowly she allowed people to take a view through an empty space of her heart. Almost all of them filled it with new memories. Good ones.
Just as when she was about to go outside her shell, it was a matter of split seconds when someone, did the same thing to her. You couldn’t draw the horror in her face, but she remained calm and steady. She told herself she’s been there before and now she can handle it without going back to her comfort zone. Without going back to where she used to stay.
It’s like a snap and history repeats itself. She couldn’t imagine it was that easy. She tried so hard to remain strong, but that was all in her mind. The courage is all inside her head. Somehow her heart is still vulnerable. It needs its shell back. It needs its lock again. She will hide. She will go back to that same thought she believed in. For how long? She can’t tell.
“My heart needs its carapace again”