Letter No. 01

Every time I feel something I couldn’t describe, the question “why?” always pops my head. Why do I have to feel something like this? To think, you are only 0.009% reality. I don’t know your whole being and background, haven’t seen you yet or even heard your voice. But why? Why do I always feel something that drags me down? I get lost because of you, I became estrange with my own self. So to stop this insanity I decided not to speak with you for how many months. That was the only way I could get out of your image but, every where I go, the Universe has its way of reminding me that I left something behind. I always see your name wherever I go. Kinda freaks me out actually. I am not good at keeping promises to myself so I broke my own when I started speaking with you again. It was okay but I know something has changed. All I got from you was, you missed this girl from Russia. Boy, I can totally erase you in my life and pretend that you haven’t existed at all. I can do it, but I don’t want to. Why? I don’t know the answers. Part of me wants to be with you someday no matter how hard or impossible it is. Part of me wants to see you even from afar no matter how long I have to wait. Part of me is hoping you will love me back even just for a while. I want to know you more. I want to know who you are, not at this generation. Have you contributed to my past life? Who are you in my future, or are you even a part of it? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers to these questions right now. All I can do is to live “at the moment” and make the most out of my life. I just don’t know what else to say. Sigh. I just want to be happy.



My 24th year as Earthling

It’s my birthday today and while I celebrate my 24 years of existence, I feel like singing my heart out! This year is full of ups and downs and during those terrible times, HE proved that he’s just there to lift me up. This year is not only a celebration of my natal day but also a celebration of the goodness of the Lord.

Before anything else, I want to thank Him for everything. When I have no one to talk to he always listens. He is my comfort and my armor. He is the LIFE inside me. Thank you Lord God for gracing me and blessing me with such beautiful life.

To my family who can’t afford an expensive food in some fancy resto. That’s okay! As long as you’re here beside me and that we’re here together, it’s enough. Seeing all your smiles and hearing your laughter makes my day more bright. You are all I need. My comfort zone.

To my friends who loves me so much. My goodness, what have I done in my previous life to deserve such great friends? There are only a few (few really?) I’m not sure, I’ve got friends all over the globe who loves me so much. I can’t believe that love like yours existed. Thank you for the love. Thank you for the friendship and bond that I can keep forever.

And I just want to share something. This is the most beautiful birthday message I received from someone I dearly love and this letter is too pretty not to share. I’m lucky enough to have a family like her. Love you forever my favorite cousin, my twin sister, my best friend, my counselor and everything ♥

Thank you everyone!


Left Hanging

I came across path with this man. I barely knew him, a couple of weeks maybe. Somehow he reminds me of someone from my past. It’s haunting me for that chapter is not yet close somehow. I’ve moved on and accepted what happened and what he did. I’m no longer in pain with that person, more like I am in pain for the action that has been done. Maybe part of me does not want to close its pages because it brings powerful feelings that helps me to write. It has its own sorcery that guides my heart and mind to complete an art. Going back to this person I just met, he makes me feel beautiful. I gained confidence and trust for myself. He gives courage, showed kindness and said the magic words or so I thought for he left me hanging just like what the first person did. I knew it’s coming and I already accepted everything before it happened. I am sure that nothing is wrong with me. I am convinced that it’s not my soul who has issues with this. It was them. It was them after all. There’s a little bit of sore in my heart, I’m still human anyways and I still have feelings. My mind wants to remember this through a poem.

How can I be so stupid?
I knew from the start.
How can you let it Cupid?
You stung my heart.

I was starting to open myself more
To the crowd I didn’t trust before
I am starting to explore
But you didn’t protect my core

I knew you’re like him
You are not sincere
But still I trusted
Even if I am in fear

And there it goes you left still
Despite of all my plea
My heart has its second fill
I’ll wait another forever ’til its free

Free to love again without terror
Free to enjoy life without pain
Free to know what life is about
Free to explore without feeling left out

Thank you still. I have learned a lot. I know each time I stumble and fall I am one step closer to the right person. Thanks for the pain for it gives me courage. Thanks for the memories for it gives me lesson that I can use in the next. The world is beautiful and I’m not gonna stop giving love until I find my perfect match. Good morning earthlings! xD

Lost Soul

3:20 AM and I cant sleep. Then I caught myself writing something in my notepad. Am I really a lost soul? Maybe. I feel so trapped. I want to breathe! I want to go somewhere far from home like, in a place where no one knows me. Anyways, thanks in advance for reading.

I am a lost soul
Trying to find my way back
To my human form
Consigned into oblivion
Not knowing where to go

Help me find my way
Been going around in circles
Don’t let me fall astray
Help my soul incarnate
Don’t let me fall in dismay

I am an epitome of the dead
Away from my life
Not sure what lies ahead
Captured by my own strife

Help me find the way out
Been lying here for the longest time
What’s in there, tell me now
Before my heart fill with grime

Help me find my way out
What is the round about
My poor soul is longing for its form
Help me now, before I totally transform

Than you 🙂

Faded Memories

To that one person I couldn’t forget until today. Thanks for being an inspiration to my art. It’s been a while since I last wrote something like this. This is more like a song than a poem actually. You may never care or even heard about me but I don’t have any intentions of letting you know about this anyway. This is my secret sanctuary, no one knows everything I’ve been writing here but me so I guess I’m safe. All I want is to gather some words and put them in an aquarium where it can swim freely and I’ll watch them til I get tired. But, I’ll never get tired of picking words and add up to my collection. Until I’m alive, I’ll continue to write some songs for the heart. May it be mine or somebody else’s.  Here it goes.

Trapped memories in my head
slowly fading in time
I couldn’t recall the last image
of you in my mind

Was it when we kissed
under the rain one night
Or was it when you held my hand
and utter the words goodbye

Mixed dreams and real memories
like a faded photograph
That I took when I was happy and sad
Surreal feelings in my heart
like a nightmare becoming real
Help me forget, help me understand

Time and again I run through
I couldn’t count the times
when my mind speaks your name
Like a drug, my addiction

Am I still into you?
Or am I just inlove with love
I don’t know you anymore
Time took you away
so far away I couldn’t follow
there, it’s better you stay

I’ll let it fly and cut the string
I whisper you goodbye
Keep you in my unknown treasury
Like a faded memory

Thank you again F. I’ll be back soon. ♥♥♥