I’m reminded of my mission. To heal broken hearts. That’s what light workers do. At first, I don’t understand why people would come up and talk to me about their love lives. I never had any relationship before so if there’s one last person you can speak with regarding heart problems, that would be me. Still, they come to me and talk. I listen and eventually give logical love advice. How did I do it? I’m not sure, maybe because I see the picture clearly because I’m not part of it. I don’t feel what they feel and that gives me the power to think. I find it fulfilling seeing someone crying in front of me while I’m giving them warm hugs because that helps them express and vent out what they feel inside. I find it fulfilling when someone shares their story to me, I know I can be trusted. I find it fulfilling seeing someone happy after they have recovered. Who wouldn’t want genuine happiness, right?
When they’re okay and find another things to do, they just sort of forget that I existed. Like them, I have my own heart problems too. I gave my heart to someone but he handed it back to me or no, more like he refused accepting it. It’s horrible and sadder than an actual break up. The unrequited love. I’ve seen a lot of movies, read various books, listen to my colleague’s stories and by observing, it doesn’t sound so happy at all. Who am I kidding? I know it myself. I also have my own dose of it. It took me a lot of self convincing and mental practice but at the end of the day, it’s useless. It pains me so much. Do I deserve this? What have I done wrong in the past? You ask a lot of questions without getting an answer and that makes you feel insane. Literally. Everyday I always remind myself that its never gonna work, whatever I feel for this person is pointless and pathetic. The distance between me and him is only the physical aspect, timing can be sort with time however his feelings… that’s the thing I can never change. I can’t tell him to look at me the way he looks at his past lovers. I can’t make him love me. Even if all I have are these preconceived notions of love, I know I understand it, I get it and I’m capable of it but why is it that no one will give it to me? Then a thought came in, this one sided love doesn’t seem so sad at all. People would think that if you love someone and that person doesn’t love you back it’s the end of it but NO, that is not the case.
If there is one thing I’ve learned about this what they call “unrequited love” it is that this kind of love is the most powerful love of all. You love without getting something in return, without asking for that person to feel the same way as you do towards them. Love is the twin sister of pain and that’s given. It’s a risk.
Going back to the first part of this post, maybe you are just my mission in life and I guess my job is already done. You drifting away might be a sign that I’m done. You are my favorite assignment and I thank the Lord that even if I get shot by my own arrow, He made me realize so many things. Beautiful and wonderful things I know will help me grow. I woke up realizing that all I ever want is your happiness, even if it’s not with me. I was so selfish before because I only want you for myself. This is me finally saying I’m letting it all go. I choose to love you in silence and from afar until time takes away what’s left of this shattered heart. This is my brave self trying to forget something that never happened, the “what could have been” and “us” in my mind. I don’t want to cause you anything, you deserve all the goodness in the world. You have been part of me and that is something time can’t take away. Maybe you are not for me to keep so allow me, allow me to cut the string and let it all fly…
I know for sure you will no longer visit this secret sanctuary of mine, but I’m hoping that you would. The words are just out there and no matter how I hide, it has it’s own ways of coming out on its shell. You know from the very beginning how much I like you and even if I made a promise not to talk about my feelings anymore, I can’t help but say it all here. Words can’t even express how much I want you to be mine. I already noticed that something has changed the past few days, you’re no longer that talkative person I used to talk to everyday. Your words became less and less each day. Something isn’t right. I knew you have a new friend. You said you’ve already talk to her before, I knew right there and then that she is destined to become a reoccurring character in your life. I know I wasn’t allowed to care but I did. Then it hit me again and again. Who am I to you anyways? I really hope one day you will see that I was there for you, that I did truly care for you.
I know one thing, knowing you reminds me that I am capable of love, that I am worthy of love. My care and the feelings inside me will not go away that easy. It hurts so much M. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I’m being hopeless romantic for those people who doesn’t know what I feel but I know deep inside me that what I feel is true. It’s time for me to leave all those feelings behind. Leave it there.
Am I becoming too open on what I feel about you? It makes me so afraid now that you have a wide idea of what I’m thinking. I’m afraid on what myself appears to be that sometimes I wear a mask to hide the truths my heart only knows. I wanna feel like myself again, the kind of me that doesn’t mind the evolution of everything around my circle. The motion of my world has been so slow lately, I’m counting the days and ask when will that time comes when you can finally say “I don’t remember the feelings anymore for her.” I know… it’ll NEVER happen. I’m feeling like a sponge, absorbing every leak there is and it consumes me. The dream I had with you earlier was so symbolic. I like the feeling of familiarity it gives me and how it was so natural for the both of us to communicate that way in my dreams. I know it has a personal meaning but that production yesterday was really something. Yesterday, I read the personalized astrology from Adrian and it talks about premonitory dreams. Oh God, I don’t want to assume really. I’m a bit okay now, and somehow my heart is not that heavy but I know deep inside I’m still hoping.
And what the fuck did just happen Kath? Maybe this is the sign I’ve been waiting for. Should I cut off the communication? Oh I should. You better Kath! One of these days I will cut if off. Maybe. Yeah, I should do that, it’s the only way I know. I love you but I’m tired of acting like a bandage. My heart is so tired honestly. The assumptions in my head makes me insane and I know, I really know you still have her in your heart. Always. Forgive me for being sensitive.
Went karaoke last night, I feel like all the love songs were made for me. I don’t know why I’m like this, you pushed too many buttons in me I didn’t know I have. I want to feel free again because I’m like caged in the thought that maybe there will be an “us” but I know that it’s not gonna happen. Why do I feel pain? The thought of you distracts me. The thought of you in my life is what I want but all the what ifs makes it so hard. I don’t know but I feel like I met you for a reason. I mean there’s a reason behind every coincidences plus our stars! Damn our stars! You may not understand them now but… oh well I don’t want to give my heart so much hope cause I know there’s nothing to hope for. These overflowing emotions I have for you is a waste. It can never be real and I have to accept that. I’m just desperate to have someone in my life, I get that now. I don’t want to be alone. I want to love and be loved. Hmmkaaay that’s too much. I just hope that when I leave Philippines, I’ll be able to move on and find myself in a foreign land alone. I don’t want to forget you but I want to forget the feeling ‘coz it hurts so much. So much that sometimes I see myself staring at blank space, not talking to my friends or responding so late. I don’t want to feel assumptions anymore. Help me not to assume please. I can be your friend forever but I can’t do that if I have feelings for you, feelings I know you will never reciprocate. Pity party 2016! I didn’t forget what you said about not giving up so easily in general, so I know that until now you still want to fight for her. Maybe not today but in the not so distant future (insert tears and this fucking emo love song). Keep calm and breathe Kath! It will be over soon. I know somewhere in my not so distant future as well, I’ll see that one man…the right person God will give me. Who is he? He’s the only one who can heal me. Oh come here sooon.
PS: Thank you online journal for listening to this crap and shit. Til again. xoxo
Like the song “Tomorrow” by Avril Lavigne, I wanna believe you that everything will be okay but not today… I hope tomorrow. For the past few days, I tried to forget everything about you. It’s not that I cared less but because I am falling deeper and deeper each day. I get infected by something I’m not sure what to call. This feeling is new to me, it’s so strange I can’t even understand my own mind and heart. Maybe I am overthinking but honestly, all I want to do is to see you personally. I hate this little production in my head playing scenarios that one day there’s you and me walking down the streets of somewhere eating ice cream on a hot day, drinking coffee talking about random stuff or just plainly sitting next to each other holding hands while watching the stars and moon. I want to get rid of the feeling and if I do that I know I should not talk to you but at the same time I can’t let you go. I can’t. I don’t want to. I am overthinking… I know that. I cried and it was the most satisfying cry I had for how many days. I imagined you and her back together, I was at the corner smiling because I’m seeing you happy even if it pains me inside. Will that day come? I’m not sure if I can take the pain if that happens. You have no idea how much I keep myself busy just to get rid of you in my head. All I ever want is to forget that I have feelings for you. Wanna know why? Because I know you will never reciprocate. I’m tired of thinking about what ifs and maybe. I’m even too tired writing about this post coz I know it’s the same story over and over.